Caliborn's Stories 12: Back to the Future
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The Back to the Future movies, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.


_Author's idiotisms: I come into a new fandom and I don't write a Caliborn's Story for it? What the hell?_

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I APOLOGIZE FOR THE FAKEOUT IN MY LAST STORY. IN WHICH I SAID. THAT I WAS GOING TO TAKE ON AN UNFINISHED MATTER. BUT THEN THIS GUY. THE FUCKING DEAD ONE WHO I KILLED. ANDREW HUSSIE. RELAYED TO ME. THAT THE OTHER ME. DID HIS "MASTERPIECE". (HE DIDN'T GIVE UP HOMOSUCK AND VISUAL ARTS TO BEGIN WITH. AND THEREFORE WAS BEATEN UP BY THE ORIGINAL HOMOSUCK MALE.) AND I FIGURED. THAT IT WAS SIMPLY TOO MUCH IRONS IN THE FIRE.

(THE MASTERPIECE. IS A GLORIOUS TALE. OF HOW THE OTHER ME WAS DEFEATED. IN OTHER WORDS. IT SUCKS.)

THEREFORE. I AM DOING THIS MUCH MORE RELAXED THING. (DON'T WORRY. ALL THE WEIRD TIME SHIT IN THIS THING. WILL STILL MAKE YOU CONFUSED. AND SUICIDAL. (HUMAN WORD. FOR WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE.))

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BACK TO THE FUTURE.

THIS TIME. IT ISN'T A THING MADE UP OF TWO. BUT INSTEAD. A THING MADE UP OF *THREE*. COUNT WITH ME. ONE. TWO. FUCKING THREE. UNBELIEVABLE. (OR SHOULD I SAY. "GREAT SCOTT"? DAMN. I SHOULD STOP WEARING THE LANGUAGE OF THESE OTHER PIECES OF HUMAN FICTION AS A TROPHY.)

WELL, ANYWAY. WE BEGIN WITH. BACK TO THE FUTURE PART ONE. WHICH INTRODUCES THIS IDIOT. AND THE LAB THAT THIS IDIOT VISITS. NOT FINDING ANYONE THERE. THE IDIOT IS. "MARTY McFLY." (YUP. LITTLE C. EVEN WHEN THIS DOUCHE'S NAME IS TYPED IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. THAT ONE "C" RUINS EVERYTHING. LIKE THAT ONE BITCH DRAMA QUEEN. THAT WE ALL KNOW THE NAME OF.)

THE MARTY DOUcHE. ("ARTISTIC LICENSE." BEAR WITH ME.) IS SOMEONE CALLED A "SLACKER." BY EVERYONE SURROUNDING HIM. ESPECIALLY THE SCHOOL'S PRINCIPAL. AS WELL AS HIS BITCHFRIEND. (MY NEW WORD. FOR HUMAN MATE. SEE HOW I HAVE IMPROVED? AFTER ELEVEN OF THESE.

HAS IT REALLY BEEN THAT MANY? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. EVEN WHEN THE STORIES ARE RIGHT BEFORE ME.)

AHEM. SO ONE NIGHT. (THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S NIGHT. IT'S ALL DARK AND SHIT.) HIS LAB FRIEND FINALLY SHOWS UP. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT HE HAS INVENTED. THE TIME MACHINE. AND THEN MADE IT INTO A CAR. BECAUSE HE HAS ZERO STYLE. HE PROVES THIS. BY TRANSPORTING A DOG. ONE MINUTE INTO THE FUTURE. AND THEN PLANS TO GO FURTHER TO THE FUTURE HIMSELF.

BUT THEN. TERRORISTS FROM A HUMAN COUNTRY NAMED LIBYA COME. (I WAS PLANNING TO POST A LIST. OF ALL THE HUMAN COUNTRIES. BUT THERE'S LIKE TWO HUNDRED OF THEM. AND ONLY HALF ARE EVER RELEVANT. LIKE THE UNITED STATES OF FUCKING AMERICA.) AND SHOOT THE LAB FRIEND. AND THEREFORE. IT'S UP TO THE MARTY SLAcKER. TO SAVE HIM. BY GOING BACK IN TIME. THIRTY HUMAN YEARS. TO THE HUMAN YEAR ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED FIFTY-FIVE.

SO HE FUCKING GOES THERE. FUCKS SHIT UP IMMEDIATELY. (BECAUSE HE CANNOT GO ABOUT IN THE PAST. WITHOUT FUCKING SHIT UP.) BY ACCIDENTALLY SEPARATING HIS HUMAN PARENTS. WHICH MEANS THAT HE WON'T BE BORN. AND HE BEGINS THE PROCESS OF CEASING TO EXIST. THAT WILL LAST FOR A WEEK.

SO HE SEEKS HELP. OF HIS LAB FRIEND. BUT HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. AND LAUGHS AT THE IDEA. THAT AN ACTOR COULD BE PRESIDENT. (SERIOUSLY. LOOK UP RONALD REAGAN. HE IS AN ACTOR. *AND* A PRESIDENT. I DON'T GET IT EITHER.) BUT EVENTUALLY. MARTY PROVES HIMSELF. AND HE AND THE LAB FRIEND BEGIN CONCOCTING PLANS. TO GET BACK TO THE FUTURE. ("TITLE DROP.")

THE ULTIMATE PLAN ENDS UP. USE THE HUMAN LIGHTNING. TO POWER THE TIME CAR. AND RUN IT TO A BEAM. SO THAT IT GOES AT A CERTAIN SPEED. OF EIGHTY-EIGHT HUMAN MILES PER HUMAN HOUR. (CHERUB HOURS, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, ARE THE AGE OF YOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE. (OR MAYBE I JUST SAID THAT. TO MESS WITH YOU.))

BUT THEN. THERE'S THE PARENT PROBLEMS. TURNS OUT. MARTY'S FATHER IS A COMPLETE WIMP. AND CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH GETTING A BITCHFRIEND. AND HIS MOTHER. IS INSTEAD FALLING FOR HIM. AND THEREFORE. THE SITUATION BECOMES COMPLICATED. AND INVOLVES A HIGH SCHOOL BULLY. ONE NAMED "BIFF TANNEN". WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT.

SO ANYWAY. IT ALL CULMINATES. TO THE FUCKING DANCE. "ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA." WHERE MARTY'S HUMAN PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO SNOG. AND MARTY COURTS HIS MOTHER. BUT THE BIFF IDIOT TAKES MARTY OUT. AND BEGINS A REAL ACT OF KISMESSISITUDE. AND THEREFORE. MARTY'S HUMAN FATHER DOESN'T HAVE TO ACT TO GET HIS MOTHER'S ATTENTION. BUT INSTEAD. REALLY HAS TO PUNCH BIFF. WITH ALL HIS HATE. AND IT SEEMS LIKE. THE MISSION IS DONE.

BUT THEN. THE BAND PLAYING AT THE DANCE IS RUINED. BECAUSE ONE MEMBER HURT HIS HAND. AND THEREFORE MARTY HAS TO SUBSTITUTE. AND ORIGINALLY. HE PLAYS A SONG TYPICAL TO THE TIME THAT HE IS IN. BUT THEN. HE PLAYS A SONG THAT IS TYPICAL TO THE TIME OF MARTY. SOMETHING CALLED. "ROCK AND ROLL." WHICH HE HAS NOW INVENTED. BECAUSE HE DID IT FIRST. (HE ALSO DID IT. WITH THE "SKATEBOARD".)

SO HE PLAYS THE ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC. AND WRITES A LETTER TO THE LAB FRIEND IN THE FUTURE. SAYING THAT HE WILL BE SHOT. BUT THE LAB FRIEND OF THE PAST TEARS IT UP. CLAIMING THAT HE WILL NOT FUCK UP THE TIME STREAM. AND THEREFORE. THE LIGHTNING STRIKES. AND MARTY GOES BACK TO ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY-FIVE. TO FIND OUT. THAT THE TIME STREAM HAS BEEN FUCKED UP ANYWAY. ESPECIALLY BY THE LAB FRIEND. WHO IGNORED HIS PAST SELF. AND DECIDED TO STAY ALIVE.

BUT THEN. HIS FAMILY IS ALSO CHANGED. NOW HIS BITCHFRIEND IS APPROVED. AND HIS HUMAN SIBLINGS AREN'T COMPLETE WRECKS. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT. THAT THE FURTHER FUTURE HAS BEEN FUCKED UP. AND THE LAB FRIEND LEADS MARTY AND HIS BITCHFRIEND INTO THE FUTURE. THUS STARTING. BACK TO THE FUTURE PART TWO.

IN THE FUTURE. WHICH ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE PRESENT DUE TO SOME UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA. EVERYONE IS RIDING EITHER A FLOATING CAR. OR A FLOATING SKATEBOARD. AND MARTY THUS IS INVOLVED IN A FIGHT. WITH THE FUTURE KIDS OF THE VILLAIN. (BIFF. IN CASE YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN.) USING THE FLOATING SKATEBOARD. (A.K.A. "HOVERBOARD.") AND ALSO IS ACCIDENTALLY LED. TO HIS FUTURE HOME. WHERE HIS LIFE IS BASICALLY RUINED. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? FROM SUCH A DOUcHE. REALLY.

BUT THEN. SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS. BIFF IS STILL ALIVE IN THE FUTURE. DESPITE BEING REALLY OLD. AND GETS A BOOK. WITH SPORTS EVENTS. YOU SEE. HUMANS ALWAYS BET. ON WHETHER ONE THING OR ANOTHER WILL HAPPEN. AND TAKE MONEY FROM IT. SO IF YOU COULD GET TO THE FUTURE. AND TAKE INFORMATION ON WHAT WILL *ACTUALLY* HAPPEN. YOU WOULD BE BLOODY RICH. SO BIFF DOES EXACTLY THAT. GOING TO THE FAR PAST. GIVING HIMSELF THE STUPID BOOK. "GRAYS SPORTS ALMANAC." AND THEN GOING BACK. SO THAT IT WOULD APPEAR. THAT THE TIME MACHINE HASN'T BEEN STOLEN. AND THUS. WHEN MARTY RETURNS TO HIS SWEET HOME OF ONE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE. HE FINDS. THAT THIS TIME IS FUCKED UP. AND BIFF KILLED MARTY'S FATHER. AND MARRIED HIS MOTHER.

THEREFORE MARTY. GOES ON AN ADVENTURE TO THE PAST. TO FIX THAT. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT. THAT HE ALMOST RUNS INTO HIS PAST SELF. A COUPLE OF TIMES. AND RUINS STUFF FOR HIS PAST SELF. ALSO A COUPLE OF TIMES. AND THEREFORE. IT'S A CONSTANT RACE WITH TIME. TO FIX MULTIPLE THINGS. BEFORE TIME BLOWS UP. WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY. I WON'T PURSUE ANYTHING AS A LORD OF TIME.

SO ANYWAY. MARTY FINALLY GETS THE BOOK OF THE FUTURE. AND THEN BURNS IT. THUS GETTING BACK HIS PRESENT. BUT THEN HE LOSES HIS LAB FRIEND. WHO HAS BEEN THROWN ONTO AN EVEN MORE DISTANT PAST YEAR. OF ONE THOUSAND *EIGHT* HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE. THUS SETTING UP. BACK TO THE FUTURE PART THREE.

IN THIS PAST. THE LAB FRIEND HAS ACTUALLY LIVED FOR EIGHT MONTHS. AND IS HAPPY LIVING THERE. AND TELLS MARTY NOT TO RETRIEVE HIM. UNTIL HE DIES. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY ALL PEOPLE IN THE PAST HAVE TO DIE. BUT THEN MARTY GOES AGAINST REASON. AND DECIDES TO RESCUE HIS LAB FRIEND ANYWAY. SINCE HE WAS SHOT. BY THE VILLAIN'S ANCESTOR. (YUP. THE SAME ANCESTOR BULLSHIT FROM HOMOSUCK. EXCEPT THIS TIME WE KNOW PRECISELY WHO IS THE ANCESTOR OF WHO. BECAUSE THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME SURNAMES. McFLY. TANNEN. BUT NO BROWNS. HENCE PROVING. THAT LAB FRIEND *IS* LAB FRIEND.)

SO MARTY GOES TO THE DISTANT PAST. AND THERE FUCKS SHIT UP. BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS FUCK SHIT UP WHEN YOU TRAVEL IN TIME. AND THEY ACCIDENTALLY SAVE A BITCH WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE. AND SHE IMMEDIATELY BECOMES THE LAB FRIEND'S BITCHFRIEND. AND THEY HANG OUT. AND THE LAB FRIEND STILL DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK. BUT THE FACT IS THAT HE WILL STILL DIE. SO MARTY CONTINUES HIS TRIP IN THE PAST. UNDER A FAKE NAME. "CUNT EASTWOOD."

THIS TIME, THOUGH. HE GETS LUCKY. AND DIVERTS THE SHOT SUPPOSED TO KILL LAB FRIEND. BUT THEN THE TIMELINE CHANGES SO MUCH. THAT MARTY NOW IS SUPPOSED TO DIE. AND THEREFORE. IT IS ANOTHER RACE AGAINST TIME. TO GET THE TRAIN. THAT WILL GET THEM TO EIGHTY-EIGHT MILES PER HOUR. (BECAUSE THEIR TIME CAR CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE.) TO GET LAB FRIEND TO WAKE UP. (HE PASSED OUT FROM HUMAN ALCOHOL.) AND TO GET MARTY TO NOT DIE. (BECAUSE HE WILL BE SHOT BY THE VILLAIN'S ANCESTOR.)

THOUGH. MARTY SUCCESSFULLY NOT DIES. BECAUSE HE STOLE A THING CUNT EASTWOOD DID IN A MOVIE IN THE FUTURE. A SO-CALLED "BULLET-PROOF WEST." (GET IT? BECAUSE THE LOCATION IS. THE WILD WEST.) AND EVERYTHING ELSE SUCCESSFULLY NOT HAPPENS. EXCEPT THE GO TO THE FUTURE. WHICH DOES HAPPEN. BUT WITH MARTY ONLY. SO HE DIDN'T SAVE HIS LAB FRIEND. AND THUS LET HIM HANG OUT IN THE PAST FOREVER WITH HIS BITCHFRIEND. UNTIL THEY COME TO VISIT MARTY AND *HIS* BITCHFRIEND IN THE FUTURE. TELLING THAT THE FUTURE ISN'T ACTUALLY WRITTEN. WHEREAS THE TRUTH IS. MARTY KNOWS THE FUTURE. AND CAN CHANGE IT ALL THE TIME. LIKE NOT CRASHING INTO A CAR ONE TIME. WHICH HE SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDS.

AND WITH THAT NOTE. THE THREE MOVIES REACH.

THE END.

I ALSO HEAR THAT THERE IS A GAME SERIES. WITH A SIMILARLY CLUSTERFUCK PLOT. BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T COVER IT. MAYBE I SHOULD. YOU TELL ME.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut


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